Pretty Moon Soldier
by Accidentally The Whole Fanfic
Summary: It's a rollercoaster ride from Hell with Sybil at the switch. An unfortunate monster picks the worst time of the month to challenge Sailor Moon.


Pretty Moon Soldier

* * *

Tsukino Usagi woke up one morning in great distress:

She had cramps.

It was a routine occurrence, usually accompanied by her growing irritation with everything life felt like throwing at her over the next few days: The microwave seeming to drag as it cooked her food; a small grain of rice tumbling down her shirt as she ate sushi; Luna purring a little too loudly and sleeping just a hair too close to Usagi's own legs at night...

And the crowning touch, a small pimple upon her chin. The small, aching twinge drove her mad. Pop it, a scar. Leave it alone, it would grow huge and hideous.

"_Mamoru! Stop staring at my deformity!_" she shrieked one Thursday afternoon, in the middle of the street. Passers-by stopped to gawk, and Usagi's fiancé recoiled in surprise and confusion.

"Usako, what's wrong?" he asked, scratching his head. "I wasn't staring at you..."

"Aha!" she bellowed, pointing an accusing finger at him. "That's it, then, isn't it! You find me hideous!" She dropped to her knees and began to wail loudly. "I hate you, Mamo-chan! I... I...!" Suddenly, her tears ceased to flow, and a blush spread over her nose and cheeks as she looked up at Mamoru with a sultry smile. "...You're so sexy, Mamo-chan..."

She sprang to her feet with almost inhuman, uncharacteristic grace and speed, and began to advance on him. "You big, sexy man... make me your bride tonight, Mamo-chan... I won't tell anyone..."

Mamoru backed away slowly, waving his arms defensively as he tried to avoid tripping over anything or bumping into anyone. "Usako... maybe you should go lie down... you seem unwell."

Usagi's seductive gaze contorted with unbridled fury. She screamed: "You must think I'm crazy! You bastard! Don't you understand a woman's heart, Chiba? All I want is to be loved!"

Mamoru yelped and ran off, Usagi shaking her fist and her cursing his name, but not bothering to take chase herself. Men weren't worth it. Nobody was worth it! She really wanted some ice cream now...

"Hey, hey, hey!" Usagi growled, cracking her knuckles and looking at the gawking crowd that had formed. "What are you all staring at? Go home!"

The crowd dispersed, snatches of muttering reaching Usagi's ears as she stormed off towards the ice cream parlor.

"I think she's..."

"Don't say it!"

"Is she okay?"

"I think she was a demon..."

"Crazy bitch."

* * *

Later that night, feeling bloated, fat, and depressed, Usagi doodled ponies on her English homework. The ponies were fat and misunderstood, just as she felt - and they had cramps. What was the big deal? Why couldn't she have cramps? Why did she have to have cramps, anyway? Stupid Mamoru... it was probably his fault. That beastly, masculine hunk of raw sexuality... she would have to rip his balls off someday.

Sensing that Usagi was in the mood to perform a merciless castration, Luna entered her mistress's chambers, an urgent message on her lips:

"Usagi, drop what you're doing and transform! We've sensed demonic activity down by the junkyard!" No response. "Ah... Usagi? Have you heard me?"

Usagi stared dolefully at Luna, before slumping into a depressed sigh and burying her face in her arms. "I can't..."

_Oh, Lord_, Luna thought, bracing herself for the worst. "You have to! Come on, what's the holdup? Go, go, go!"

"You don't understand," Usagi's muffled voice whispered.

"What don't I understand? We need you!"

Usagi's gaze turned to Luna again, sad and weary. She'd seen death, pain, and destruction so many times. She'd suffered so much, for so long, so much fighting... she was so very tired...

"I don't feel pretty."

Luna grimaced. She should have known. _Fuck._

"You can rip off the monster's... you know..."

She hated to make false promises, but the fire that sprang to life in Usagi's eyes told her that it had, at least, roused her fighting spirit. It was good enough.

* * *

"_Otokobuta!_" the burly, hairy, porcine creature screamed, a swing of its great and beefy fist just missing the agile Sailor Jupiter.

"You dare strike a woman?" she challenged, smirking. "But that's fine, because I dare strike a man back!" The bright green bolts of energy swirled around her, and she flung them at the beast with a cry of "Jupiter Oak Evolution!"

The monster simply sneezed, and shuddered. It had many plant allergies, but it was otherwise fine.

"How about we singe some of that unsightly mange from your frame?" Sailor Mars called, diverting Otokobuta's attention from Jupiter. "Mars Flame Sniper!"

Otokobuta made to roll beneath the fiery arrow, but it only took a lick of flame to light him up like a Christmas tree. He screamed and writhed on the ground, rolling around in a desperate attempt to put the flames out.

It worked.

"Lousy caution signs," Mars griped, shooting a glare at the fire safety procedures poster hanging from the junkyard fence.

"Stop right there you son of a bitch!" a terribly familiar, high-pitched voice called from atop a heap of garbage. Moving past their temporary shock at the uncharacteristically foul language, the other four Sailor Soldiers - and Otokobuta - looked up to see the moonlight illuminating an all-too-familiar figure.

"Sailor Moon!" Sailor Mercury cried, partly out of relief, partly to distract the monster while Venus prepared to immobilize it with her Love-Me Chain. A strangled cry from behind her told her that Venus had been successful... but then Mercury narrowed her eyes in confusion. "Sailor Moon, are you _eating_?"

"Shut up!" the muffled voice called, as a cloud slid away from the moon to bathe Sailor Moon in a beautiful light. There were smudges of icing on her cheeks and chin, and she cradled half a dozen donuts in one arm. Chewing quickly and swallowing hastily, she pointed at the monster: "A fair and beautiful maiden shouldn't be called to battle at a time like this! Not when we have the ozone layer to worry about..." Her eyes shone with tears, and she struggled to keep them from spilling over.

Silence fell over the junkyard for a full minute, as the four other soldiers and the monster all gaped at this madwoman.

Venus smacked her forehead and muttered something that sounded like "Jesus Christ."

"Nonetheless!" Moon continued, putting away another half-a-donut first, "I have to protect the peace and harmony of Tokyo! Not that the civilians care," she grumbled, turning in the city's direction and shrieking "WOULD IT KILL ANY OF YOU TO SAY 'THANK YOU'? YOU'RE ALL UNGRATEFUL PIGS!"

Otokobuta looked at Jupiter, confused. She simply shook her head, a rare moment of bonding between foes.

"It's PMS," she whispered.

Otokobuta screamed in horror, and Sailor Moon rounded on Jupiter:

"I do not have PMS!"

"Sailor Moon! Save your ramblings for after the battle!" Mars snapped. "Kill him!"

"Hey, now, you aggressive bitch! Don't tell me what to do!"

"I'm letting that slide this time, given the circumstances..."

"Have mercy on me!" the monster screamed in anguish, whimpering as Sailor Moon leapt down from the garbage heap and landed right before him, ramming her foot between his legs. He let out an agonized moan, dropping to his knees before her.

"You bastard! I'll cut out your tongue and send you to Hell!" She paused for a moment, realizing that she couldn't cut out his tongue with anything she had on her person. "This is your fault! I'll send you right to Hell!" Eyes blazing, she removed her tiara and began to spin.

"Moon... Tiara..." The tiara, now a glowing disk of pure destructive energy, flew towards Otokobuta. "...Action!"

"I welcome this death!" the monster screamed, before crumbling into dust.

"Anyone else want some of this?" Sailor Moon screamed, waving her tiara in her allies' faces. Mars stepped forward and slapped her across the face.

"Just finish your damn donuts, you insane fool."

"Well, this is another job well done, guys!" Jupiter cheered, pumping her fist in the air.

"All for one, and one out of... ahh..." Venus stopped and scratched her head. "I'm sure that had a proper conclusion... Mercury, what was it again?"

Mercury stood there, simply staring at the ground, twisting the hem of her skirt in her hands. Her shoulders were shaking.

Venus stepped forward cautiously, placing a hand on her friend's shoulder. "Mercury?"

Mercury slapped Venus's hand away, and sighed.

"What is it?" Sailor Moon snapped, annoyed.

Mercury looked up at them, eyes filled with despair. The weight of the world shone behind those cerulean irises, and her whole world felt like it was crumbling around her.

"I'm so sorry... everyone. But I..."

"What is it?" Mars asked softly. "You know we're here for you."

Mercury sucked in a shaky breath. "...I don't feel pretty..."

Horrified screams echoed across Tokyo that night.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **I'm so very sorry. The idea just wouldn't leave me alone.


End file.
